In Punishment for what? on February 27, 2013 at 9:21 pm
I keep trying to be “over it.” Really, I do.
This week, for some reason, has been hard.
I have been thinking a lot about Janet, and really lamenting my regrets. As I told my husband, I don’t ever want to be a good friend to someone when they are dieing again, I would much rather be a good friend while someone is living. A good middle friend, AND then continuing later when they are dieing, if necessary (although I hope not).
Not that I didn’t think that I was a good friend to Janet at the time, but hindsight is always 20/20. Just as she told me what she would have done differently “if she had only known,” I would have done things differently as well, in regards to our friendship. I would have taken her up on more invitations when we were young, regardless of my finances. I would have called her more when she lived far away. I would have saved her Christmas cards, and I would have bought her a birthday gift every year. I would have made sure she always knew she was important and loved,not just at the end.
And it haunts me.
I’m not saying that I am stuck in a constant state of despair, but I’ve not yet made it to the end of the tunnel, so to speak. I don’t know if that even exists anymore, truly.
I’m hoping this is normal. Generally Janet would have reassured me that this is normal. We probably would have discussed it ad nauseum.
In Big time stuff, Punishment for what? on January 31, 2013 at 5:47 pm
I will just cut to the chase.
Janet passed on 1/25/13. It’s been hard. Actually harder than I even expected, really, considering that we’ve known it was coming.
We watched it coming, like a train bearing down when you’re stuck on the tracks. It was so horrific that death appeared to be sweet relief, at least for our girl. The rest of us? Well, we just have to deal. It’s been hard, and it hasn’t even yet been a week.
In the midst of great loss, life remains and continues. It whirrs around me, around all of us, and sometimes the concept of being left behind, even by a friend, is difficult to comprehend. My kids loved her, my husband. It is very difficult to find comfort, even if it ends the suffering. The suffering simply shifts, it would seem.
There are moments when I think of her and I don’t get wet eyes, but mostly I try to forget that it has happened. It doesn’t seem like the healthiest strategy, but I don’t employ a therapist to tell me no.
I give myself permission for unhealthy grief management until the service next Saturday.
Thank you to all who have phoned, texted and emailed to check on me. You have made it fairly obvious that I appear to be completely unstable.
In Punishment for what?, The dog on January 9, 2013 at 7:03 pm
This morning I had to run my son back to the oral surgeon’s office, because he had a case of dry socket. Wop wop. In all of the angst over his blood pressure and the vomiting, I guess the instructions on how to flush the sockets wasn’t a top priority that day. I thought we were doing such a great job of caring for his wounds, too. Live and learn, I guess.
*Hangs head in shame.*
I have been trying to be more active on the blog, as you can see, even if it’s just boring old tales of surgery on the kidlets and griping about my poor hurt feelings (wah).
Really, though, it’s time to do some explaining, I guess…
I am a half-full kind of girl, most of the time (at least I try, mostly), and lately I just haven’t been able to muster it. One of my very dear friends is in the final days of a long and hard fought battle against ovarian cancer.
So there’s that.
Although lots of things have happened since I was regularly updating way back when, I just haven’t had much genuine happiness to comfortably update this blog in a long while. It was a case of either pulling myself together enough to bullshit some fake happy post, or dude were you gonna be depressed reading anything ELSE I wanted to write. I chose neither.
Hope you’ve been well.
I’m really trying over here.
Que random dog cuteness to elevate mood: