I keep trying to be “over it.” Really, I do.

This week, for some reason, has been hard.

I have been thinking a lot about Janet, and really lamenting my regrets. As I told my husband, I don’t ever want to be a good friend to someone when they are dieing again, I would much rather be a good friend while someone is living. A good middle friend, AND then continuing later when they are dieing, if necessary (although I hope not).

Not that I didn’t think that I was a good friend to Janet at the time, but hindsight is always 20/20. Just as she told me what she would have done differently “if she had only known,” I would have done things differently as well, in regards to our friendship. I would have taken her up on more invitations when we were young, regardless of my finances. I would have called her more when she lived far away. I would have saved her Christmas cards, and I would have bought her a birthday gift every year. I would have made sure she always knew she was important and loved,not just at the end.

And it haunts me.

I’m not saying that I am stuck in a constant state of despair, but I’ve not yet made it to the end of the tunnel, so to speak. I don’t know if that even exists anymore, truly.

I’m hoping this is normal. Generally Janet would have reassured me that this is normal. We probably would have discussed it ad nauseum.