I keep trying to be “over it.” Really, I do.
This week, for some reason, has been hard.
I have been thinking a lot about Janet, and really lamenting my regrets. As I told my husband, I don’t ever want to be a good friend to someone when they are dieing again, I would much rather be a good friend while someone is living. A good middle friend, AND then continuing later when they are dieing, if necessary (although I hope not).
Not that I didn’t think that I was a good friend to Janet at the time, but hindsight is always 20/20. Just as she told me what she would have done differently “if she had only known,” I would have done things differently as well, in regards to our friendship. I would have taken her up on more invitations when we were young, regardless of my finances. I would have called her more when she lived far away. I would have saved her Christmas cards, and I would have bought her a birthday gift every year. I would have made sure she always knew she was important and loved,not just at the end.
And it haunts me.
I’m not saying that I am stuck in a constant state of despair, but I’ve not yet made it to the end of the tunnel, so to speak. I don’t know if that even exists anymore, truly.
I’m hoping this is normal. Generally Janet would have reassured me that this is normal. We probably would have discussed it ad nauseum.
I am right there with you on this. It is a hard nut to crack. xo
Becky, you should have not regrets. I too have been thinking a lot about Janet. And that in itself says that she had a great impact on us all. Everything that you have experienced to this very moment shaped who you are now. Your call out to the masses to extend random acts of kindness on Janet’s 46 BD on 2/15 showed that you are paying forward her spirit of giving and joy for life that we all have embraced. You are normal. We all will live life with these inspirations!
Knowing this is normal doesn’t make it any easier. Some days are worse than others. At some point you will say, “I wish I had done things differently…and here is what I am doing now.” That’s when the regret becomes reflection and inspires change.
I stayed away from your blog Beck because I knew what what would be here. I see you’ve done the same. Avoidance. It’s normal. The loss hits me when I leave work and it’s dark and no one can see what is going on in my vehicle. I still put my sunglasses on at times just in case that red light will show what is happening when I remember our girl. It’s starting to change, I no longer reach for the phone to call Janet to tell her something only she will understand and think is funny. Our pal, the one person in this lifetime that never judged anyone. It’s a wierd concept to realize that this was one of her best traits when each of us gave her so much material throughout the years. You were a great friend when she was alive, but regrets are unfortunately part of being human. Time…such a valuable commodity